Lately I’ve been coming to some realizations in my life about who I am versus who I want to be. Let me rephrase that, I am having realizations in my life about what I show to the world versus how I feel on the inside. Whether we recognize it or not, we all have an idea of who we are but even with that knowledge, we sometimes minimize what we decide to show the world. The minimization can be for so many reasons, fear of what others may think, compromise for career purposes, responsibilities that may not allow a person to pursue their passion, etc.
Now on to me.. As much I consider myself to be a free spirit I have been realizing that my spirit doesn’t feel free at all. What’s even worse is that I feel that my feeling of entrapment is my fault to a degree. I have always been selfess, constantly taking care of others in all my friendships and relationships before taking care of myself. On top of being selfless in my personal life I also work in the medical field where I take care of people. It’s in my nature to be a very caring person but I’ve began to realize that my caring ways aren’t benefiting me the way I always thought they would. Now I’m no fool I’ve never did caring things thinking I would get the same treatment back all the time, even though it would have been nice. That’s not to say that being caring hasn’t benefited me but lack of putting time into myself and my vision for my life has definitely left me feeling unhappy about my current situation.
On the flip side, I now want to put time into unveiling my vision for myself to the people around me. Of course taking action will require me to put time into myself, which has an odd affect on me. When I put time into myself I feel selfish because I feel like I’m not putting enough time into making sure that everyone around me is okay. I understand that I’m no one’s parent or guardian but my need to make sure that everyone is okay has been in my routine for years. So now my question is how do I find that balance between being selfless and being selfish?
I feel it should be so simple to just be myself and go for my dreams and live a blissful life. In my head though, there’s a constant war between balance of selflessness and selfishness. If I’m selfish I will live my life without the connection to the people I love but if I live in selflessness I will lose the most important connection, the connection to myself. I received some great advice from someone I hold very close though and I plan on seeing how her words will help me. As I told her my feeling of guilt when I do something for myself, she assured me that the guilt will disappear as I find personal happiness and balance in my life. So that piece of advice is now what I will follow..
But as my first step to freedom I’d like to introduce myself as the person I see inside and will now begin reflecting on the outside and in my actions. My sex is really only reflected by the letter F because I damn sure don’t like makeup or wearing heels frequently nor am I butchy, I’m just me. In my future I will pose nude hopefully for some type of LGBT purpose, since I’m a lesbian, and I’ll also travel abroad helping others through healthcare. I love body art and will have a half sleeve by the end of the year, along with a piercing or two and an expansion of my back tattoo. I curse, I like to curse. I’m blunt and I also have no problem talking about anything from sex to politics. I don’t apologize for my opinions but I will listen to yours. I will soon be a city girl again.. What city? Not sure exactly! I’m not religious but I am spiritual with great interest in taking care of my body because I feel like it brings me to my spiritual best self. I laugh loudly and love dancing randomly no matter where I am. I have an interest in writing but don’t really know how far it will take me, since I only write about things that have personal meaning to me. Love is everything to me because without it we have nothing. I’m alive and now I’m ready to start living…